Welcome to the First Annual Groucho Awards!

by

Paul Magno

Groucho Marx was one of America’s preeminent humorists and general wise guys. Here’s a short list of some of his more famous quotes and the Boxing personality most represented by each one.

So, sit back, light up a nice cigar and put on a pair of Groucho novelty glasses…for what may prove to be either the first in a long line of award presentations or, at the very least, filler material for slow news days…

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”

-Oscar de la Hoya vs. Steve Forbes. This was billed as a “Homecoming,” but it was more like my prom: Long on promise, short on delivery and nobody got lucky in the end. The fans saw a lackluster card, Forbes lost the fight and Oscar didn’t shine the way he had hoped.

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.”

– All 4 major sanctioning bodies for never ceasing to provide controversy and just general insanity in their mad attempt to stay relevant…and rich.

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”

– Bob Arum for several decades of trickery and double talk while being able to come off looking like a relative choir boy when compared to his rival, Don King.

“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”

-Jin Mosley for not tolerating Zab Judah’s antics in the lead up to Mosley/Judah and essentially cutting husband Shane off from the lucrative Welterweight division to fight a meaningless bout with Ricardo Mayorga in the fall.

“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”

– Zab Judah for giving some of the most unintelligible interviews of all time. Does this guy even speak English? It’s hard to tell if this guy is punch drunk or just plain drunk.

“If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.”

-Tie: John Ruiz and Ricky Hatton. In Cancun, John Ruiz held Jameel McCline so often and so hard that I was worried a romantic interlude may break out. And Ricky Hatton often looks like a drunk sailor on leave with all his desperate clutching. If Hatton and Ruiz were in the same weight class and fought each other, you’d be hard-pressed to figure out if you were watching World Championship Boxing or The World Ballroom Dancing Championships.

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

– Nikolay Valuev for not only looking like he fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, but also run over by an ice cream truck and battered in the face by a group of enraged Ruslan Chagaev fans.

“Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.”

– Jeff Fenech vs. Azumah Nelson III for proving that you’re never too old to have a dull, meaningless fight.

“Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that would have me as a member.”

-Nate Campbell for winning the WBA, IBF and WBO titles and then systematically ripping everyone a new one. He’s taken his position as champ and has used it to speak out against everything from HBO’s favoritism toward Golden Boy to the sanctioning bodies’ widespread corruption.

“Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah? He used to live in whales for a while.”

– Joe Calzaghe, because, well, he’s from Wales…

“I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that.”

-Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. for having the nerve to call out guys like Cotto and De la Hoya after each fight, yet always managing to fight guys like Matt Vanda.

“I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.”

– Don King for producing some of the most notoriously perverse contracts in the history of the sport.

“Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?”

-Floyd Mayweather Jr. for abruptly retiring and making a good share of “hard core” fans weep openly when realizing that now they may never get to see Mayweather knocked out cold.

“Whatever it is,… I’m against it.”

-Larry Merchant. Blue? Red! Black? White! Damn, we get it Larry, You’re old and cranky…

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